I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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