I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
