my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
