This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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