Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
