I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize