So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
