i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
