woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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