obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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