my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
