Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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