I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Randomize
