Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
