Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Come see our sink grown plant.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
