I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
God, I missed his penis.
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