I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
