Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
