I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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