I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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