dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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