you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
