Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
