The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
