the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
