He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
