I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
