I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
