you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
