Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(312): View more from Illinois

sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!

(207): View more from Maine

I just puked in my drinking hat.

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(408): View more from California

I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.

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