we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize