so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
two words: eviction party
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
