So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
