sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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