I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
