No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
