I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
