1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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