My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
