Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
