I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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