Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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