the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
