Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
