my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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