Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
