I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
