Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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