well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I love how my cats smell like pot.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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