Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
