She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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