so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
