I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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