if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
