I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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