Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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