you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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