Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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