the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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