sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
