I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
