new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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