So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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