No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
